The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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