you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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