Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
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So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
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She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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