This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
