Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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