If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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