so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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