i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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