dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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