Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
no. you can't hotbox the world.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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