She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
