you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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