i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
