4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.