Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC