After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
its liver damage thursday
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
