my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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