I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar