Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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