I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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