I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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