8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Hippo gnu deer
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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