i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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