Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
