Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
