first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
