They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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