ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
