The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
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Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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