Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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