so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
