I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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