Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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