Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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