This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
