Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I want to fling myself into the sun
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
