Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
