i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
