Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
