fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I wish you could order shots online.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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