I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
