I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
