Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Let's paint friendship bongs
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
