I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
