I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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