Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
