someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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