I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
