I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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