I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
