after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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