i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
