You can't motorboat a personality
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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