I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
