My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
