don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
