I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
