my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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