I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
