What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
