Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
