Kiss
Puke
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
