This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
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His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
That accounts for only three of the penises
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
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I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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