It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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