At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
