You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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